By Gary DeVaney
Judge: Mr. Believer Defendant, you are accused of selling tainted meat to a family that resulted in two dead and one terminally ill. How do you plead?
Defendant: Innocent, your honor.
Judge: Do you wish to testify on you own behalf?
Defendant: Yes, your honor.
Judge: Swear him in.
Defendant: Your honor, if you swear me in on this here Bible, I would like it to show in the record that it was done.
Sworn In On The Bible?
Judge: Granted, because I believe in God; and in my court, you will respect God, country, me and my court. Did you sell this family meat?
Defendant: Sir, because you believe in God, I will tell you the facts. Yes, your honor.
Judge: Where did you get the meat?
Defendant: I found it dead in the back woods, your honor.
Judge: Describe it’s condition.
Defendant: Well, your honor, it stank a little and had a few maggots that I scrapped off, but, I knew it would be ok.
Judge: In your defense what evidence do you have to prove that you are innocent?
Defendant: Well, your honor, turn to this very King James Bible you swore me in on to Deuteronomy 14:21.God directed: “Ye shall not eat of anything that dieth of itself, thou shalt give it or sell it to a stranger to eat.” God told me to sell to a stranger some rancid meat. If he gets sick or dies, it’s God’s will, not mine. I was just following God’s Biblical orders. Judge, if you find me guilty, and, if you believe in the Bible; you must find God guilty too.
Don’t Eat An Animal That Died On Its Own
“You’re Taking It Out Of Context!”
Believer’s Defense Tactics
Judge: Ok, accused, tell your story.
Accused: Well judge, I broke into the place and went over and smashed the jewelry case and took the jewels. Then, I destroyed some furniture, blew open the safe, shot the maid, took the money, smoked some crack cocaine and went to a movie.
Judge: You shot the maid?
I Shot The Maid
Accused: Judge, you’re taking it out of context.
Judge: This court has determined that the fact you shot the maid has a context and an importance of it’s own. You are found guilty by your own admission.