1st Samuel

1st Samuel

By Gary DeVaney

King Saul

The Catholic Bible forward to 1st Samuel:

Saul, a Benjamite, was anointed Israel’s first King about 1020 BC. Saul, a handsome man, standing head and shoulders above other men was highly favored by the Lord. But, once he began his reign, Jehovah (God) began to despise him. God continually tormented Saul by sending Evil Spirits to trouble him. David drove away the torment by playing his harp. Later, David killed Goliath for Saul.

God sent Evil Spirits? Must not God BE Evil to send Evil? One would think that would be Satan’s job. Oh, that’s right! No “Satan” character has yet been documented, C&V, by the Holy Bible. Satan is NOT mentioned until the 13th book of the Bible in 1st Chronicles 21:1.

I Samuel 1:5 God had made Hannah barren.

Oh, the drama of God’s barren, reproductively dysfunctional women! This is a tip-off that one of God’s “sacred heroes” is in the making.

I Samuel 1:11 Hannah made a vow: O God, give me a male child and I will give him to You for as long as he lives. Neither wine nor liquor shall he drink.

Hannah, the Mother of the Prophet Samuel

This God’s chosen will not drink wine or liquor? Let’s see if he still commits murder or if he performs any other hideous acts without the influence of booze.

I Samuel 1:20 Hannah bore a son she called Samuel.

I Samuel 2:6-7 God kills, and makes alive; He makes the rich and the poor. KJV

It looks like no character named Satan has anything to do in these categories.

I Samuel 2:21 Hannah gave birth to 3 more sons and 2 daughters.

Amazing! First, she was barren, then she produces five more kids in additional to Samuel?

I Samuel 2:22 God’s priests are misusing tithes and having sexual relations with women who serve at the meeting tent entrance.

Maybe they were the sacred forefathers of Swaggart.

I Samuel 2:34-35 God will put them to death which will gives rise to the priest, Samuel.

I Samuel 4:2 The Philistines (by God’s wrath) slew 4,000 Jews.

Image result for The Combat with the Philistines

The Combat with the Philistines

I Samuel 4:10-11 God killed 30,000 more Israelites and the two (2) bad priests.

Did God cause all this death just because the 2 priests had intercourse with the women at the temple and misused some tithes? Why did 34,000 have to die for that? Is this fair?

I Samuel 5:1 The Philistines captured the Arc of the Lord.

I Samuel 5:6 God ravaged the city of Ashdod with hemorrhoids and mice.

This God must have a sense of humor.

I Samuel 5:12 Those who escaped death were afflicted with hemorrhoids.

I Samuel 5:4-21 As a guilt offering to God, the Philistines made 5 golden hemorrhoids and 5 golden mice; then sent them with the Arc back to the Israelites.

I Samuel 6:19 The descendants of Jeconiah did not join in the cerebration. When they greeted the Arc, for their irreverence, 70 of them were struck down. Catholic

God murders those who don’t show up for His parade? Look, the same Passage:

I Samuel 6:19 God slaughtered 50,070 men because they looked into the Arc of God. KJV

Ark Of Covenant

The King James Version differs only about, 50,000, or so. Oh, what to believe?

I Samuel 9:2 There was no other Israelite handsomer than Saul (a Benjamite 9:21. This must include David.). He stood head and shoulders above the people.

Wouldn’t popular dogma state that it was David who was the good-looking one?

I Samuel 10:1 Samuel tells Saul: God appoints you to govern God’s people, Israel.

Behold, God no longer talks directly with his heroes, but only through His prophets.

I Samuel 10:6-7 God will change you into another man. Do what you judge feasible because God is with you.

I Samuel 10:9 As Saul left Samuel, God gave him another heart.

You would think Saul would succeed because of this hype, but God turns on him.

I Samuel 11:6-7 God caused Saul to become angry. Saul cut a yoke of oxen to pieces and said: If anyone does not follow Saul, the same will be done to his oxen.

Whoa, Saul. You do have God’s bedside manner.

I Samuel 12:18 All the people dreaded God and Samuel. Catholic

I Samuel 13:13 Samuel said: Saul’s kingdom shall not endure.

I Samuel 14:14 Jonathan (Saul’s son) and his armor bearer slew about 20 men.

I Samuel 14:36 Saul said: Let’s pursue the Philistines to kill them all.

I Samuel 14:42 Saul said: Cast lots between me and my son Jonathan.

Casting  Lots

Casting lots is gambling. Saul, God’s anointed, ordered gambling? Oh sin! Sin, I say!

I Samuel 14:47 After becoming king of Israel, Saul waged war on all their surrounding enemies.

I Samuel 14:52 When Saul saw any strong or brave man, he took him into his service.

Is this where the United States Government got its model for its military draft system?

I Samuel 15:3 God ordered Saul: Do not spare them. Go murder men, women, children and infants…

Can God’s orders be any clearer? What about: Thou shalt not kill?

I Samuel 15:8-9 Saul killed all the rest of the people; but, Saul spared King Agag, alive.

I Samuel 15:10-11 God said: I regret having made Saul King. He has not kept My command.

Saul refused to murder all whom God wanted murdered. Don’t you just hate it when a God whines and regrets just because you would not get down and murder all whom He wanted murdered?

I Samuel 15:18-19 Samuel, Gods prophet, said: Saul, go exterminate them. Why have you disobeyed the Lord?

I Samuel 15:22 Samuel said to Saul: Does the Lord delight in holocaust and sacrifices as in obedience to the command of God? Obedience is better than sacrifice; submission is better than the fat of rams. Sin is rebellion. Because you have rejected God’s command, God has rejected you as ruler.

God ordered Saul to murder all – with no prisoners. Saul was too nice. So, God wanted to eliminate Saul as His first anointed King, whose heart God reportedly had changed.

Does this God really have the power to change the hearts, or the wills of His “chosen”? Apparently not.

I Samuel 15:25-28 Saul asked to be forgiven. Samuel said: You rejected the command of God and God rejects you as King of Israel. God has torn the Kingdom of Israel from you and has given it to a neighbor of yours, who is better than you.

Saul Asking for  forgiveness

I Samuel 15:32-35 Samuel commanded to bring King Agag to him and Samuel murdered the King before God. Samuel grieved over Saul, for God regretted having made Saul King of Israel.

Samuel, God’s prophet, performs murder for this God. Do you think any other of God’s sacred prophets or leaders will perform murder in the name of this God?

This omnipotent, all-powerful, know-it-all God regrets? God is sorry? Sad? What?

I Samuel 16:1-2 God asked Samuel how long he would grieve for Saul whom God had rejected. God said: I am sending you to Jesse, for I have chosen My King from his sons. Samuel asked God: How can I go, for Saul will hear of it and kill me. God told Samuel to say (this lie): Take a heifer and say: I’ve come to sacrifice to God.

God’s intention was for Samuel to appoint another King.

Right here, God told Samuel, His sacred prophet, even what lie to use.

I Samuel 16:7 God “brags” to Samuel: Man does not see as God sees. Man sees the appearance, but God looks into the heart.

What? Did God successfully see into Saul’s heart? Well, did He? What confusion!

I Samuel 17:48-51 David faces the challenge of combat with the enemy Philistines and slays the giant, Goliath, and cuts off his head.

Doesn’t this conflict with the Catholic version of II Samuel 21:19 El-hanan killed Goliath of Gath?

The Catholic Bible states that El-hanan killed Goliath of Gath whereby the KJV has El-hanan killing Goliath’s kin.

I am confident clergy can find a spin for this rarely mentioned find. Clergy spin examples:

This Goliath was David’s Goliath’s grandfather, mother, grandnephew, mistress or from another dimension, parallel world, wormhole or a spiritual revelation. Herein is your proof that this is not the Goliath our sacred hero David killed. Believe it! Send money!

My Catholic Bible has Goliath at 6½ feet tall in I Samuel 17:4. That’s the average height of the players in the National Basketball Association (NBA). Other Bibles have Goliath over 6 cubits (a cubit: from the elbow to the finger tip or about 18 inches) or over 9 feet tall.

I Samuel 17:51-52 The Philistines fled and were cut down along the roadside.

The Philistines Flee

I Samuel 18:7-11 The women sang: Saul has slain his thousands and David his ten thousands. Saul was jealous of David. An evil spirit from God came over Saul who posed his spear thinking to nail David to the wall.

So, David became a super-murderer? An evil spirit came from whom? Is an “evil spirit” just an evil or bad feeling? Do gods exist or are they just hyped up ego-oriented feelings that constantly spin denials? Can youcalmly explain this?

I Samuel 18:20-21 Saul used his daughter as a bribe to get David to kill for him. Saul wanted to let the Philistines kill David. When it was time for Saul to give his daughter to David, she was given in marriage to another, instead.

I Samuel 18:25-27 David is given a task to deliver 100 Philistine foreskins for a dowry. David murders 200 Philistines, circumcises their corpses to win Saul’s daughter, Michal.

David goes beyond duty and orders to kill an extra 100 men for Saul’s daughter?

How many troops did he lose to kill that extra 100 men? Doesn’t it matter?

I Samuel 19:1-2 Saul discussed his intention to murder David with his son Jonathan (who told David).

I Samuel 19:6 Saul headed Jonathan’s plea and swore: As God lives, David shall not be killed.

Obviously, it was not Saul’s intention to kill David, so, Who is really behind all this?

I Samuel 19:9-10 An evil spirit from God came upon Saul and he tried to nail David to the wall with a spear. David got away. Saul commanded: Bring David up to me in bed so that I may kill him.

Saul and He Tried to Nail David

Q: Isn’t this written evidence that evil spirits come from God?

Believer: No!

Q: Why?

Believer: Because, we don’t want it to be that way. God’s reality is not a feel-good! We want – no, we demand hope!

I’m going to Heaven! You’re going to Hell! Praise God!

I Samuel 19:20-24 Saul stripped naked and acted crazy.

I Samuel 21:11-14 David fled from Saul to King Achish. David was afraid of him and acted like a madman, drooling on his beard.

I Samuel 22:1-2 David fled to a cave and became the leader of about 400 embittered men.

I Samuel 22:17-19 Saul commanded: Kill the priests of the Lord for they assisted David. 85 priests were killed that day. Saul also put the city of Nob to sword including the men, women, babies and animals.

Killing The Priests

It looks as if God’s evil spirit took well with Saul, if you’re in to that sort of thing.

I Samuel 23:5 David kills the Philistines to rescue the city of Keilah.

I Samuel 23:16-18 Saul’s son Jonathan, in the Lord, said to David: Have no fear, my father, Saul, will not lay a hand on you. You shall be the King of Israel and I will be second to you. My father Saul knows this. They made an agreement before God.

I Samuel 24:7-23 David would not permit his men to attack Saul. Instead, he cut off part of Saul’s mantle to let him know he could have. Saul said: You are right and I am wrong. You will surely be King over Israel. Please don’t kill my descendants. David gave his oath.

Want to bet David does murder some of King Saul’s descendants and break his oath? How much? I live in Las Vegas. It’s ok for me to gamble. What? It’s not ok for you?

I would not bet you on this because for one who knows to bet a believer is pure theft.

I Samuel 25:1 God’s prophet Samuel died.

Did you like Samuel? Why? Why not?

I Samuel 25:2-34 David wanted a festival on Nabal’s property. Nabal insulted David by not acknowledging him, so David came to murder Nabal and his people. Abigail, Nabal’s wife, took gifts and pleaded with David and said her husband, Nabal, was a fool. David blessed her and said that she prevented him from murdering to avenge himself, personally. David said: As God lives, who has restrained me, if you had not come down, so quickly, to meet me; by dawn, Nabal would not have had a single man or boy left alive.

Talk about insanity and ego. David is bound to be King as he is a chip off the old God.

I Samuel 25:35-39 David took her gifts and told her to go home in peace as he had granted her request as a personal favor. Ten days later, God murdered Nabal. David said: Blessed is God for he requited the insult I received from Nabal, and who restrained me from doing evil punished Nabal for his own evil deeds.

David Taking Abigail Gift’s

Nabal died. David blesses God for it? What an ego! Would David take Nabal’s wife?

I Samuel 25:39-43 David married Abigail, Nabal’s wife, and also took Ahinoam for his wife. But, Saul gave David’s wife, Michal, Saul’s own daughter, to Palti, son of Laish.

This is another Biblical similarity as Samson was insulted when his wife married his best man. And one wonders where our redundant TV soap operas came from.

I Samuel 26:9-25 David walked through Saul’s, God induced, sleeping camp, took his spear and water jug and said: Don’t harm Saul. Who can lay hands on God’s anointed and remain unpunished? It must be God, himself, who will murder him. David yelled to Saul, that he, David, did nothing wrong. Saul yelled back that he, Saul, was wrong, and told David that he would succeed at whatever he did and Saul went home.

I Samuel 27 With 600 men, David went back to King Achish and lived with the Philistines for 1 year and 4 months. David would attack and raid Israel’s foes and leave no one alive. He would bring the spoils back to King Achish who was fooled to believe that David was killing Israelites and was detested by his people.

Who said beliefs are what fools are made of?

I Samuel 27:12 King Achish (of the Philistines) trusted David, thinking David must certainly be hated by his people, Israel, and that David would be his subject forever.

I Samuel 28:1-2 Achish said to David: You and your men must go on a campaign with me against Israel. David said: Good, now you can learn what your servant can do. Achish made David his permanent bodyguard.

I Samuel 28:3-19 Samuel had died. Saul drove out the mediums and fortune tellers from the land. Saul consulted God who refused to answer, so, he consulted The Witch of Endor. She conjured up Samuel, who was cranky. Samuel said God was angry because Saul did not destroy Amalek and that God would destroy Saul by using the Philistines against him.

The Witch of Endor

I Chronicles 10:13 Saul broke God’s law by consulting a medium.

I Samuel 29 The Philistine chiefs did not trust David and demanded Achish leave David behind. Achish told David: As God lives you are honest. I should be pleased you would be with me. Since the day you arrived, I have found nothing wrong with you; but, you are not welcome with the lords. Leave, and don’t displease the Philistine lords. David asked: What have I done that I cannot fight against the enemies of my lord, the King? Achish answered: You are acceptable to me, but not the Philistine chiefs. So, David and his men left to return to the land of the Philistines.

I Samuel 30: The Amalekites had stormed their city, and took all of their people captive. David’s wives were included. David’s men spoke of stoning David. They attacked the Amalekites and got everybody back and lots of booty that they all shared equally with all the cities taken by David and his men.

I Samuel 31 The Philistines attacked Israel killing all three of Saul’s sons. Saul was hit in the abdomen with an arrow and ordered his armor-bearer to finish him off. He refused. Saul fell on his own sword. His armor-bearer did likewise and died with him. The Philistines cut off Saul’s head, hung his body on a wall, then cremated him.

Saul fell on His Own Sword

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Comments? Corrections? Questions?

gary@gdevaney.com