What I have to say at the end of this extremely painful event concerns the Judeo – Christian’s “Biblical God of love” and His heinous, insane “Eternal-Torment”.
Samantha was born and was given to me by a friend in 1986. She is a kitty who has been totally devoted to me for over 19 years. She has slept with me every night that I was home. I have to take her life tomorrow.
She is my love, my sugar-pie, my angel-love, my cupie-doll, the totally devoted and loving daughter I never had. She loves her daddy today as much as she ever did. She sleeps under the covers with me as she always did and tonight, as every night, she gives me lots of kitty kisses. I always, being I was human and she was my beautiful, loyal and loving Samantha Kitty, throughout the years, promised and assured her that, should her time come before mine, I would never let her suffer. She is suddenly 19 years old. I’ve had her about one half of my adult life and one third of my total life and tomorrow I must take her life.
Damn – this hurts!
She has been losing the function of her rear legs for these last few weeks and she proudly takes it in stride. She, every night in bed, snuggles and gives her daddy loving Kitty kisses. She now crashes off the bed to the floor, rests a while and slowly staggers, falling down every 3-4 steps to her food and water bowls in the next room and whatever place she thinks is her litter box.
The reality has closed in on me. It is pure trauma. I decided to not allow her to suffer and to have a vet put her to sleep. Tomorrow, I will take her life.
I went to a bar or two tonight and thought about writing this as I decided to share my tears in writing. This will be Samantha’s eulogy. As I walked to the first bar, about a mile away, I validated myself by covering my oath to Samantha that I would never let her suffer. All kinds of righteous validations came to mind – like – if it were not for me, she would suffer a long and painful death. I had promised her that wouldn’t happen a thousand times over the past 19 years. Each time she purred her “thank you”. This is making me cry! I’ve cried, but this right now makes it so real.
Recently, I had said to Samantha in a tender moment: “Samantha, you were born in 1986 and are 19 years old. I have loved you for 19 years.” She purred, looked at me lovingly and said: “But father, I’ve loved you all my life.”
Samantha will sleep with me again tonight and tomorrow I will drive her to a vet to terminate her life. This hurts.
I wrote that 2 days ago (2005) but now I’ll tell you something else that happened. In the Vet’s office, I held Samantha and looked down into her loving trustful eyes, purring with all the love she had. I kissed her, told her I loved her and left her. What briefly crossed my mind then – matured on my way home. If we are God’s children and God loved us just a fraction of what I felt for my Samantha, how could God ever provide a future of eternal-damnation and pain for anything He truly loved? I don’t have any good feelings for such a God. I’m sorry – it seems I had to share this. Gary